By Rabbi Yair Hoffman for 5tjt.com Noted psychiatrist Dr. Robert Waldinger once asked a large conference at a Ted-Talk the following question: “What if we could watch entire lives as they unfold through time? What if we could study people from the time that they were teenagers all the way into old age to see what really keeps people happy and healthy?” Dr. Waldinger is the current head of the Harvard Study of Adult Development . For 84 years, researchers at Harvard University have tracked the lives of 724 men. Eventually, they added the wives to the study as well.   **IMPORTANT MITZVAH!!!** Please help a Yesoma Kallah with no father get married!  Click here. So what did they learn? To paraphrase Dr. Waldinger, what lessons came from the many tens of thousands of pages of information that were generated on these lives?  Dr. Waldinger states it succinctly.  “The clearest message that we get from this study is this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.” In short, “Shalom Bayis” is key. Dr. Waldinger enumerates the three big lessons about such improved relationships. They are really good for those who have it – they, those that practice it – are physically healthier, and they live longer. It’s the quality of the relationship that matters. It turns out that living in the midst of conflict is really bad for our health. High-conflict marriages, for example, without much affection, turn out to be very bad for our health, perhaps worse than getting divorced. And living in the midst of good, warm relationships is protective. Good relationships don’t just protect our bodies, they protect our brains. Being in a securely attached relationship to another person in your 80s is protective, that the people who are in relationships where they really feel they can count on the other person in times of need, those people’s memories stay sharper longer. Okay, enough with the Harvard study – practically – how do we implement these ideas?  Enter Rav Aharon Zakai, a remarkable Rosh Yeshiva in Eretz Yisroel, author of numerous seforim, one of which is an entire sefer on Shalom Bayis.  In chapter 86,of his work –  he offers short pieces of advice that can be implemented practically. (Please note this was not part of the TED-Talk). They are: To create a warm and happy atmosphere in the home and to make every effort to eliminate a sad and depressive atmosphere. If something negative occurs, heaven forbid. Accept everything with love – with smiles and laughter. Every Shabbos evening and day, ensure that there is a Shabbos atmosphere. Never stop the Shabbos zemiros – even when one is tired or in a rush. [At least sing one Shabbos zemer.] Divrei Torah at the table is a must and also one should try to get everyone involved in saying the divrei torah – the wife and children. Help out around the house – especially during stress time such as before Shabbos and before Yom Tov – and especially before Pesach. Doing so will prevent pressure and stress in the home. Each spouse should honor and praise each other -especially in front of the children so that they will value each parent, and not, heaven forbid, treat them disrespectfully. This will also train them to honor their […]

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