By Rabbi Berach Steinfeld

A man with a daughter in shidduchim has his eye on a certain bochur. He wants this boy as a son-in-law. He knows that there are many reasons this shidduch will not work out under normal circumstances. May he daven that the shidduch should work out, or is this not proper?

In Parshas Chaya Sora, which is the parsha of shidduchim, we see that Eliezer davened for a shidduch for Yitzchok. He did not daven for a particular person. He could have made inquiries about Nachor’s family and see which girl would be appropriate and then daven that she should be the girl. We see that a person should not daven for a particular person; he should daven that Hashem should help that the right girl should marry the right boy.

The Gemara in Moed Koton, daf yud ches, amud bais states: Shmuel said one is allowed to get engaged on Chol Hamoed due to the fact that someone else may get engaged to that girl first. The Gemara questions, how is that possible? We know that every day a bas kol comes out and says bas ploni liploni. The Gemara answers that we are worried that maybe someone else will get the girl first via tefillah. The Gemara brings a case where a person davened that he should marry a particular girl and Rava told him, don’t daven this way because if it is bashert, then you’ll marry her without the tefillah, and if it is not bashert then you are being a kofer baHashem. We see from this Gemara that tefillahdoes help and therefore a couple may get engaged on Chol Hamoed, but tefillah is not the preferred way.

Reb Chaim Kanievsky spoke about a Yerushalmi in Taanis that is quoted in two places in Perek Alef, halacha ches and in Perek Daled, halacha vov. The Yerushalmi asks the same contradiction as Bavli. How could someone be makdim a shidduch if it is bashert? The Yerushalmi answers the same tirutz that with tefillah things can change. However, the Yerushalmi adds that “afilu kein lo kayma” (despite the tefillah this shidduch will not last). One of the two members in this shidduch will die. We see the danger in davening for a particular boy or girl in a shidduch.

Rabbi Mendel Sporn adds that while it is true that one should not daven for a particular boy or girl, one may daven that if this is a basherte shidduch, they should be successful in getting this shidduch facilitated in an easy manner.

The shidduch crisis can be averted with the right tefillah. Don’t talk, just daven. Let Hashem run the world and everyone do their individual hishtadlus and tefillah.

{Matzav.com}