Dear Matzav Inbox,

I write with hesitancy, knowing that what I’m about to discuss is a very, very sensitive issue. However, after reading yesterday’s letter on Matzav regarding the question of printing pictures of women, I feel compelled to bring to light another matter that profoundly impacts the health of our families and marriages.

I am a therapist within the frum community, and I see this issue coming up again and again. It is a tremendous avlah that I cannot ignore any longer.

All too often, women step out of their homes looking their best, getting all shpitzed up – dressed to the nines, hair done, makeup on, carefully selecting every detail of their attire for the workplace, a simcha, or any public gathering. But when they come back home, the image changes dramatically. In the words of Rav Dovid Orlofsky, who I once heard discuss this in a shiur, many women at home look like “one of the seven dwarfs,” choosing comfort over appearance. The robe and snood become their attire, the sparkle of the day dims, and there is little effort to present the same pride and presence they show outside.

Now, don’t misunderstand me – comfort has its place, and I understand the need to relax after a long day. But let’s ask ourselves honestly: How can it be good for shalom bayis when one’s spouse, who should be the most deserving of admiration, only sees them in this way? When a husband goes out to work or attends a wedding, he is exposed to the polished, put-together look. But when he comes home, he encounters a spouse who has chosen a vastly different standard for inside the home. The message, even if unintentional, can feel hurtful: “Everyone else deserves to see me looking nice, but for you, it doesn’t matter.”

And it’s not just the women – this goes both ways. Men who dress sharply to go out, but come home looking shloompy, tired, and completely unkempt, are also sending a problematic message. The same way a woman deserves her husband’s best self, a husband deserves to feel that his wife wants to look her best for him too.

As a therapist, I cannot stress enough how big of an issue this is, though rarely discussed. It affects self-esteem, emotional connection, and ultimately, the level of respect and care that’s felt within the home. For all the effort we put into building homes with kedusha, let’s not overlook something so crucial. A little effort to look presentable for our spouse can go a long way in strengthening the bond that holds everything else together.

We are a people who value the beauty of our homes – our physical homes and our emotional ones. We can’t afford to treat this lightly.

I hope we will take this message seriously before more marriages find themselves on rocky ground over what seems minor, but is, in truth, a very deep issue.

Signed,
A Therapist

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{Matzav.com}