Rabbi Elimelech Friedman, a marriage and relationship coach based in Williamsburg, made news a few months ago when he released a video describing how 30 chareidi couples divorced on Rosh Chodesh Iyar of this year. The founder of Simchas Habayis, his motto is “Advancing a marriage from good to exceptional.” Through personal counseling, he has helped many struggling men and women find tranquility and happiness in their marriages. Rabbi Friedman is also a popular Daf Yomi maggid shiur who derives his counseling methodology from Torah sources.
You made a short video about 30 gittin that took place on a single day. It’s amazing how something like that can go viral so quickly and have such an impact. Chazal say, “Yesh koneh olamo b’shaah achas—There are those who acquire their place in the World to Come in one moment.”
It was siyata dishmaya. The clip went so viral that I got phone calls from all over asking for help. I learned that when a video is shorter and more on target, it has a greater effect. When people see that there’s a clip about 30 gittin taking place the same day and it’s only three minutes and 50 seconds long, they’re going to watch it.
Were all of those gittin for couples in shanah rishonah?
Most of them were between six and 12 months after the chasunah.
Were you involved in all of them?
No, only some of them. Sometimes I get a case where it’s too late for me to do anything; they’re referred to me “secondhand.” I’ve seen so many cases where problems became problems because the couple approached marriage in the wrong way. If you were learning Gemara and didn’t understand it because you’d approached it the wrong way, you’d go back to the beginning and learn it again properly. Unfortunately, when it comes to marriage, if you start out on your left foot, it’s extremely difficult to start over, and the vast majority of the time it’s not fixable. If even a handful of the 30 gittin could have been prevented, it would have been worthwhile. Even one would have been significant.
Out of the 30, how many divorces do you think could have been prevented with the right approach?
I think that all of them could have been prevented, but that doesn’t mean that all of them should have been prevented. There are some cases where the couple should be allowed to divorce because it’s going to happen at some point anyway. Unfortunately, for every one of these 30 divorcing couples there are three or four separations that are kept quiet and another three or four that are almost ready to separate but the situation hasn’t gotten that bad yet.
Explain what you mean by that.
When there’s a get, it means that the marriage is completely over. Statistically, however, for every get there are another few couples that are already fully separated but haven’t decided to officially terminate the marriage. These are families in which the father and mother make their pillows wet with their tears every night and don’t know what the next day will bring. They suffer from terrible agmas nefesh. There are also some couples that never got emotionally married in the first place.
It is said that shanah rishonah is very important, but so is shniyah rishonah, the first second.
Yes. Shanah rishonah doesn’t necessarily mean the first year; it means something different for every couple. For some people there never was a shanah rishonah. For others, it means the first month, and for others it can last much longer than a year. Shanah rishonah really means as long as it takes to start to get to know each other and stop playing games. It’s like in school, where the teacher plays around with the class until Chanukah but then things get real.
I was thinking that in some ways it might be better for it to happen early on, before there are children.
The Satmar Rebbe, zt”l, once said he had regrets that he used to convince couples to stay together, and that he had since stopped doing that.
I recently got a text from a woman who had been married for a year and half. She wrote, “Why do I have to live with a husband who’s a nebach?” I answered her, “Do you agree that you are at least a small part of the problem?” “Yes,” she conceded. “So for argument’s sake, let’s say that you are responsible for 10% of the problem and your husband is responsible for 90% of the problem. Do you agree?” If people don’t agree that they are at least partially to blame, I have nothing to say to them. Then I told her, “I just want you to understand that much of the problem is going to exist with anyone you marry. And not only that, but your problem will be exacerbated if you marry someone with a different personality than your husband’s.”
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