I’ve always thought of myself as having a relaxed, chilled-out personality. My kids look cute, but last season’s fashions are fine. My house is basically clean, but it could use some organization. And don’t tell anyone, but I’ve never washed my windows. I’m accomplished professionally, but I’m not a workaholic. In fact, I don’t know another colleague in my field who works as few hours as I do.

Lately, though, I’ve been starting to wonder just how chilled out I really am.

I find myself clenching my jaw. My dentist mentioned that it looks like I’m grinding my teeth, which doesn’t shock me since I often wake up with my jaw aching. I’ve starting tuning into the state of my body during the day, and I’m noticing how much tension I’m holding—in my mouth, in my shoulders, and even in my fingers.

It made me realize that when it comes to all those things I mentioned, I’m not really chilled out about them at all; it’s just that they aren’t my values. In fact, it’s a personal value for me to be the opposite of what they represent.

I’m not looking to spend that amount of money or time or head space chasing after bargains on designer clothes. I’m proud of my smaller home, which is neither trendy nor elegant, because I feel that I am tapping into my priorities when I choose more simply. And I believe passionately that my greatest accomplishment is my family, so I’m always on guard never to let my professional life interfere with that mission.

All along I fooled myself into believing that I was laid back, but the truth is that I am simply not willing to seek “perfection” in things I don’t value. And since perfection in anything is an illusion, deep down I’m left with unfulfilled personal expectations and a lingering internal pressure to measure up to what I want to be. 

 

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