What surprises me is how much it still surprises me. After all, I know exactly what to expect from her.
It actually took me years to figure out what was going on, but now I know that every time this particular person comes to my house, she will say something that will hurt my feelings. Guaranteed.
But not really. The pain caused by her words is not like a knife to my skin. It’s more like a tiny little paper cut that irritates like anything, but you can’t exactly kvetch about it because it’s just a paper cut. This is because the words themselves seem so innocent, even though they’re really not. She’ll say something like, “Your dress looks gorgeous on you! It wouldn’t work on me, though. I think I’m too skinny for that style.”
Ouch?
Or, “The chicken is delicious. I also used to make that kind of sauce for it, but now I feel bad giving my kids all that sugar.”
See what I mean? Your first response to remarks like that is to say, “Thanks!” and then, a second later, it sinks in, and you’re thinking, “Oh…wait. She actually just insulted me. I think?”
Her words are subtle. The aggression furled within them is passive. In fact, one might almost call them…passive-aggressive.
According to the Mayo Clinic, the term “passive-aggressive” originated in the American military and was used to describe soldiers who did not comply with their superior’s commands. The definition has become more general and is now defined as “a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them. There’s a disconnect between what a passive-aggressive person says and what he or she does.”
Passive-aggressive behavior is scientifically classified as “super-duper annoying.” Well, not really, because scientists don’t use user-friendly terms, but it should be. Because while most people can recognize aggressive behavior (it’s kind of hard to miss because of all the aggression), passive-aggressive is a whole different animal. Because of how passive it is, it can be extremely confusing when you find yourself exposed to it. But if you would put your finger to your own pulse, you would recognize it for what it is.
Psychologist and behavioral expert Kelly Deragon, PsyD, describes it best when she says, “You know it when you hear it because of the way that it makes you feel. If something feels off, or if you’re feeling personally attacked and it happens again and again, it’s a good sign that it’s passive-aggressive behavior.”
Passive-aggressive behavior is any type of communication that avoids direct conflict but still expresses negative emotions. It can be conveyed in words, facial expressions, body language or actions. It can be conscious, or it can be completely subconscious. It can be in the big things or in the small things, from people who wish you harm and from those whom you love and care about and who care about and love you in return. It can be very hard to work through since, by its very nature, passive aggression makes it difficult to communicate in an effective way, let alone solve conflicts.
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