PERFECTIONISM // The Illusion That Hurts You and Those Around You

I was spending time with a friend when I realized that I had marked this article down as due on the 26th instead of the 16th, when it was actually due. I abruptly went from laughter to sheer panic. 

“Is today the 16th?” I asked her. “Please make it not be the 16th.”

It was. She couldn’t make it not be the 16th. She tried.

I gathered my stuff blindly and got to my feet. “I have to go,” I said. “I have to do research and write an article and send it in before the kids come home for lunch.”

As I quickly turned to go, I really thought I could do it. I thought, I have to do it. How could I admit to my editor that I had made such a dumb mistake? If I worked like a crazy person, then I could get it all done and no one would know that I almost messed up.

“What’s the article about?” my friend called after me as I ran to do my ridiculously impossible task.

I winced. “Perfectionism.”

She laughed, because irony—even when it’s at my expense—is always funny.

Of course, this article was not written and edited and researched all in one day, because then it would have been a very terrible article. Instead, it was sent in a few days late, which is very excellent for helping me work on my perfectionist tendencies. Hooray.

Perfectionism is the drive to be, or appear to be, perfect. And while our society has positive associations with the word “perfect” and does in many ways seem to encourage the inclination, being a perfectionist can be, and often is, a fast track to perfect unhappiness. 

Brené Brown, a writer and professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, says, “Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best.”

This distinction is important, because the pursuit and belief in the possibility of perfection isn’t about healthy achievement and growth. Rather, as Brown goes on to say, it’s a shield to protect against the pain of blame, judgment or shame.

Perfectionism is a personality trait, not a mental illness, although it can sometimes be hard to separate it from anxiety, OCD, sleep disorders, eating disorders and a host of other serious conditions. Whether perfectionism causes them or is caused by them is a chicken-and-egg question that can be difficult to untangle.

What makes perfectionism so toxic is its extreme negativity. While it seems that the perfectionist desires success above all else, she is actually focused not on the success she is seemingly pursuing, but on running away from failure. 

This is because the extreme perfectionist believes in her darkest heart of hearts that the affection and approval of others is dependent on her utter flawlessness. 

A couple of weeks before Yom Tov, I went to a local kids’ clothing store. I thought I was slightly ahead of schedule and would avoid the crowds. This was a big mistake, of course, as anyone who has ever experienced shopping for kids’ clothing in the weeks before Yom Tov can tell you. The line of strollers outside the shop, some with little sleeping inhabitants, told its own story, but I barreled through anyway. The inside of the store was not unlike the fall of Saigon, and by the time I had selected several outfits for my two youngest that were, adorably, a boy and girl version of the same thing, and ducked through and around the hordes of women trying to get to the counter to pay, it was nearly time to pick up my baby from gan. 

At first glance the line seemed long, and I nearly put my selections down in defeat. A second glance revealed that it was actually short; for some reason, a huge crowd of women was standing to the right of the register. They were all holding their soon-to-be purchases and had the same look of desperation on their faces. 

Only one of the two cashiers was taking customers. The second one was on the phone. “Who wanted the boy’s size 7?” she called out. 

“Me!” one woman shouted. Sweat was beading up on her upper lip. “I asked for it first! In black! Did you find it? Where is it?”

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